Why the Olympics are all wrong

Finally I’m at my computer, ready to churn out an article about the power crisis in India when I’m told it’s been a week already and therefore “long gone”. Pity, I had a series of cute cartoons I found which I think I’ll post anyway.

It’s been a week and a half since the London 2012 Olympics began, and because we’re so quick on the uptake Chap produced an article listing all the possible things we (and Greece) could do with the 27 million pounds used for the opening ceremony. Now it’s my turn to provide my invaluable thoughts on why Indians don't perform their best at the Olympics.

• Politicians aren’t allowed to participate: Have you seen how fast politicians run when confronted with responsibilities needed to be carried out? Usain Bolt still the fastest man ever? Only because Indian politicians are too caught up in ‘work’ to take the time out every 4 years to jog a 100 meters. Their talent doesn’t stop there- they have the potential to become athletic trainers as well- the amount they make others run around to get things done is formidable. 10k marathons, here we come..
• Cricket isn’t an event, nor is the IITJEE: If there’s anything we’re half decent at, it’s cricket. If there’s anything else we’re decent at, it’s cracking the IITJEE*. Unfortunately, neither are events at the Olympics. Cricket was an event in the 1900 Olympics, with Great Britain winning the gold and France winning the silver. Yes, ‘the’ as in ‘singular’, there was only one match played. Shame India wasn’t independent; we might have stood a fighting chance of winning ‘the’ bronze. Currently there are just about over 100 countries that are members of the ICC (International Cricket Council) with 10 ‘full’ members, 6 ‘affiliate’ members and the rest ‘associate’. However, in the unlikely event that cricket did become an event at the Olympics, chances are that show-offs like China and America will decide they, too, like cricketing and will produce a team as well. If we stand no chance in a sport like gymnastics, which has 38 participating countries, a popular sport like cricket might be a problem. Still, nothing beats years of experience and the odds are still in our favor. They might be more in our favor though if they allowed only IPL** teams to compete, we might stand an even better chance then. 
• We should have produced the opening ceremony, not Danny Boyle: Amongst the few people I do talk to, more people disliked than liked the resplendent opening ceremony (with its even more resplendent budget). Price is no indication of quality (as Ra.One rudely reminded us last year) and we Indians are experts at squeezing the shampoo bottle till it’s empty, and then squeezing it some more “just in case” so that we get every cents’ worth. The Olympic Committee really should have given Bollywood the responsibility of the opening ceremony, if there’s anything we’re miles ahead of in skill it’s entertainment. If all else failed we could just get Karan Johar to entertain the crowd like he so skillfully does on Koffee with Karan and Jhalak Dikhlaa Jaa. Here is a video of him dancing. I love that man.
• Our medal count versus Michael Phelps': WE HAVE MORE MEDALS THAN MICHAEL PHELPS DOES! Indian athletes, take a bow (no, not the archers. Everyone else). What Michael Phelps couldn’t do in 3 Olympics, we’ve done in -oh God, too many numbers***- we’ve done since 1900! We have 23 medals, he has 22. Take that, America!

However, the point of this article wasn’t just to make fun of India at the Olympics (although that was fun too). Out of a population of a billion, rarely do we come across a parent who tells his son “Beta, itna pad mat. Jaakar gymnastics kar, ya archery kar” (Son, don’t study so much. Go do some gymnastics or archery) and I think that’s where we go wrong. If India produced 100 less engineers and a 100 more sportsmen, nobody except those software companies in America would be worse off. Once in a while a movie like Chak De India is produced and everyone gets very excited at the prospects of sports being noticed once again, but then it all dies down and we’re made fun of at the Olympics yet again. If we want medals, we need support. Not just support from our families and friends, but support from the government. No person is going to dedicate hours on end to a sport if they get paid less than what they’d earn if they were working at a call center, that’s too idealistic. In a country so brimming with talent, it’s sad we can’t produce Tendulkars in other sports as well- not because of lack of talent but because of lack of support and investment. I read a tweet the other day- “No Indian may have ever run a 100m in less than 10 seconds, but has any American ever won the 2012 Spelling Bee?” Laughable, but a tad bit true. Our biggest talents do lie in our brains, but that’s probably more because we refuse to look anywhere else. Now, back to watching the Africans claim gold, silver and bronze in every damned race. 

-Lassie

*The incredibly difficult and competitive entrance exam for entrance into IIT, our Harvard equivalent

**Indian Premiere League

***Clearly I’m not cut out for the IITJEE