"Mitt Romney" (nothing was humorous enough for a catchy title)

TIME Magazine (arguably pro-Democrat) published their last issue with Mitt Romney on their cover page. I decided to jump the bandwagon and also write an article on him seeing that 1) elections are a few months away 2) I needed something humorous to end my writing hiatus. I’m not biased though, don’t get me wrong. I’ll write an article about Obama as well as soon as he does enough shit to get written about (okay arguably he HAS done enough shit but Romney is hands down cringe worthy so here goes nothing)

Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. When you read you begin with A-B-C, when you sing you begin with do-re-mi, when you read about Romney you begin with don’t-bullshit-me (Come on, who didn’t get that reference?). Romney was born sometime back somewhere and when he was born his father named him Williard Mitt Romney, after a family friend, some guy called J. Williard Marriott (the hotel guy I think?). I also have a family friend but if I was named after him I’d also be naming myself after a certain Nobel Laureate in Economics with the same surname as mine.

Too much of Romney’s Wikipedia page is about Mormons, something I didn’t bother looking up because his page probably mentions it more than the actual Wiki page about Mormonism. Romney wanted to go into business, but his father told him to study for a degree in law instead because it would be more valuable where finding a career was concerned. If he were Mitra Raminder his father would have told him to become an engineer. I can’t tell which is worse.

Irrelevant fun fact to keep you interested in this article: Romney kept his dog on his car’s roof during a long road trip.

Romney and his wife hold a net worth of between $190- $250 million. A company called ‘Bain Capital’ basically propelled Romney to the 1% (Remember the whole WE ARE THE 99%, yeah Romney isn’t in it). Bain Capital might as well have been called Pain Capital- Obama has taken full advantage of Romney’s prominent position at the company and has claimed that he shipped jobs overseas and kept his own millions in Swiss bank accounts.

No article is complete without getting your tidbit directly from the horse’s mouth and in a stroke of innovative brilliance I got mine from Romney’s cute website that proclaims ‘WE CAN CHANGE IT’ with an unnerving resemblance to ‘YES WE CAN’. Of course the first link I click is “Afghanistan & Pakistan”, and I was in awe of the amount of pure bullshit that ran across my screen. 

Pakistan should understand that any connection between insurgent forces and Pakistan’s security and intelligence forces must be severed. The United States enjoys significant leverage over both of these nations. We should not be shy about using it.

Wow.. Honesty over diplomacy apparently. Unfortunately not many diplomats actually encourage that, ergo the term. Romney has failed where it matters to me the most- regarding the delicate state that is Pakistan. Disappointing.

Next up, we have gun control, something Chap enjoys debating greatly, after which we have gay rights and “pro-life”, something I don’t mind passing comments on at all (No Uterus, No Opinion).

The Second Amendment is essential to the functioning of our free society.

As governor, he also designated May 7th as “The Right to Bear Arms Day” in Massachusetts to honor law-abiding citizens and their right to “use firearms in defense of their families, persons, and property for all lawful purposes, including common defense.

Yeah man, Social Darwinism, survival of the fittest, etc. etc. I hear you- if someone doesn’t have a gun, what right do they have to be honored? What exactly though, Mr. Romney, is ‘common defense’?

Mitt supports the Hyde Amendment, which broadly bars the use of federal funds for abortions. As president, he will end federal funding for abortion advocates like Planned Parenthood. 

Romney and his good-looking Vice Presidential candidate (his looks are his only selling point by the way) recently stated they were for abortion in cases of rape, however. WHO WANTS TO BE THE FIRST TO POINT OUT THE OBVIOUS FLAW? That’s right, I’ll do it, along with a little bit of basic math- catching, charging and prosecuting the rapist can take anything from 10-20 months. Getting raped, pregnant and giving birth can take anything from between 8.9-9.1 months (correct to 2 significant figures).

Yo Romney, just because you have 5 sons and 18 grandchildren and have never used protection in your life doesn’t mean everyone wants to follow your egoistic path and fill the planet with junior versions of themselves. Like I said- no uterus, no opinion.

He will also champion a Federal Marriage Amendment to the Constitution defining marriage as between one man and one woman. 

We also want to define the Presidency post as one that cannot be contested for by an asshole. We can’t always get what we want, and with that, here’s something to demonstrate my love for this man-

-Lassie

Cartoon sources:

http://underthemountainbunker.com/2011/12/

http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/mittromney/tp/Mitt-Romney-Jokes.htm

http://www.davegranlund.com/cartoons/2012/08/11/romney-and-ryan-gop-ticket/

http://www.fishink.us/?p=2807
www.mittromney.com

Top 10 Places for Julian Assange to hide.

·     Pyongyang, Democratic People’s Republic of Korea – Who would love to disrupt the US’s pursuit of Julian Assange more than Kim Jong-Un? Yet to step out of his father’s shadow and into the limelight, Assange could prove to be the perfect tool to rile the USA. Maybe then the Americans would be able to justify their exorbitant military spending. It’s not like they won the Vietnam War or anything.

·    The magnetic north pole- owing to the rather unique physics involving the earth’s magnetic field, the magnetic north pole keeps moving. Such a situation would be perfect for Julian Assange. By the time his pursuers whip out their compasses to try and see where they’re going, he’d be long gone. All he’d need for survival would be some ice lollies and a bunch of huskies (I forgot, he’s Australian, so maybe a copy of Waltzing Matilda as well).

·     Line of control – The border between India and Pakistan is another ideal location for Mr. Assange to hide. As a result of the most extraordinary diplomatic ties that exist between the two nations, it would take a few years to decide what is to be done. This, of course, assuming Pakistan’s government lasts that long without anyone being assassinated.

·    Western wall – Like humpty dumpty, Mr. Assange could seat himself atop a high wall. Considering the vast history and religious significance of the wall, it is highly unlikely to see its demolition simply to get to an Australian horse whisperer.

·      Sinai Peninsula – this eastern region of Egypt is currently under threat from militants. Seeing as armed psychopaths pose a major issue, it is unlikely that the Egyptian military will be too concerned about a computer hacker running around on the peninsula. Furthermore, it’s perfectly safe, isn’t it? Just a few tanks and a handful of rockets to worry about.

·     The Greek government’s bank vault – it’s not like there’s anything useful in there right now.

·      Damascus – as a direct consequence of the uprising in Syria, the battle for Aleppo (Syria’s largest city) has intensified to such an extent that most people have forgotten about Syria’s capital and the world’s oldest city, Damascus. Mr. Assange could even avail a history lesson were he to spend a few days here.

·      Atlantis – the legendary lost city would be the ideal place to spend a few years, considering that it has never been found, not even by the western world’soverrated sophisticated maritime equipment. Seems perfect in every way, really. All Mr. Assange would need is some assistance from Zeus.

·      Switzerland – Since the beginning of time (perhaps) Switzerland has abstained from participating in all conflicts locally and globally. It is said that the Swiss Army’s greatest achievement was the frankly excellent advertisement for Ricola mouth fresheners*. If Mr. Assange were to station himself in Switzerland, the USA, Sweden and the UK would all have to spend a few decades negotiating his release with the Swiss government. Naturally, one would assume he’d have gotten away by this point.

·      Ecuadorian embassy – no detail required. He’s already there.

-Chap.

*Pending official confirmation

A Series of (possibly) Unfortunate Events

Now that the Olympics are finally over, after 17 days of headlines highlighting the bloody battles on the sporting field, we attempt to bring to you a breath of fresh air in the form of a few headlines you might have missed in the last few days.

• Iran and its twin earthquakes: Iran (17^th on the Olympic table) experienced two earthquakes (do they have some fancy name in geography for that?) one after the other last Saturday, and the death toll is now up to 306 as of an hour ago.  The second earthquake struck 200 miles north of Tehran, and if the US intelligence is to be believed about the nuclear weapons being hoarded there, the earthquake struck dangerously close to Iran’s almighty trump card. Perhaps this is all an American conspiracy.. And, of course, where there’s an earthquake, there’s criticism to be dished out over relief efforts. Give the Iranian government a break guys, is it their fault the infrastructure of the areas hit were so shit?

• North Korea’s first lady flaunts Dior: Who would have thought that the citizens of North Korea (20^th on the Olympic table) were dying out of need for basic amenities? Not Ri Sol-ju, missus to Kim Jong-un (that guy who runs North Korea and rides roller coasters). Sol-ju raised eyebrows when she was seeing flaunting her Dior clutch at events. If the clutch is real, it costs $1,600. That’s how much your average North Korean earns in a year. Work hard, pay harder eh? It’s okay, there’s still hope the bag is “Made in China” if you get our drift.

I have a game I like to play called "spot the annual wage of a North Korean"

• Fareed Zakaria suspended over plagiarism: A headline to hit close to the hearts of all IB kids world over. Being educated in an education system that recoils in disgust at the very thought of “borrowing” a line or two from papers in order to complete the relished extended essay, I find it highly amusing and very entertaining that distinguished journalist Fareed Zakaria not only thought of borrowing but went ahead and did it as well. He copied parts of an article from The New Yorker (USA is 1^st on the Olympics table) for his article in Time Magazine on gun control (we have a pretty spiffing article by Chap as well, bonus points for him for not plagiarizing). Harvard and Yale educated? Pfft. Time and CNN have both suspended him for the time being. What does he have to say? “I apologize unreservedly”. Come on Zakaria, you can be more original than that.

• Romney’s a “sheikh” guy: After the horrifying Wisconsin shooting at a Sikh temple (Gurudwara) that killed six Sikhs, everyone leapt at the chance to say their bit, including Presidential candidate Mitt Romney. He offered his condolences to the “Sheikh” people and his opinion on the horrors of the shooting at the “Sheikh” temple. Thanks Romney, I’m sure the Arab world fully appreciates it. For future reference though-

This is a Sheikh

This is a Sikh

          Well done Romney. Maybe he should have just kept his mouth shut..

• IGCSE Results out!: The IGCSE (International something something*) results came out this afternoon (depending on where you live), putting thousands of kids worldwide out of misery (or into misery) as they scrolled through their lists of grades. I included this in here not because this is something that people might have missed because of the Olympics (and if it is, I pray for their sake they didn’t take the IGCSEs) but because it deserves a mention due to the hours of work gone into producing that one sheet of paper that makes you feel either fantastic or absolutely shit, or somewhere within that range. Congratulations to everyone who did well, didn’t do well, whatever. If you didn’t do well because you were lazy or distracted, you get not a single ounce of pity from this side of the computer. If you didn’t do well because you’re supremely talented in other fields like actor Aamir Khan or dancer Raghav Juyal (some of the most creative minds in Bollywood), I hope to write an article on you soon. Till then, relax, enjoy IB (it really isn’t overly tough at all), do something cool like starting a blog and stay hidden from your parents (especially if you’re Indian).

Special shout-out to Chap for doing mind-blowingly well on his IGCSE's, I'm almost tearing up in pride. Almost.

 -Lassie

*International General Certificate of Secondary Education

Sources:http://www.nydailynews.com/news/world/impoverished-north-korea-new-lady-opts-dior-clutch-article-1.1132459#ixzz23Q6KoqKK

The Crisis in Cartoons

PM Singh is personally affected by the power cut, how tragic!

As are the Americans..

Rajnikanth charges his phone..shit.

Welcome 'home' Shinde

Sources of cartoons:

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/08/03/opinion/heng-cartoon-india-suffers-massive-blackout.html

http://avinashtoon.wordpress.com/

http://www.toonsmag.com/indias-blackout/

http://www.newsofdelhi.com/news-from-india/as-india-faced-worlds-biggest-blackout-power-minister-promoted-to-home-minister

Why the Olympics are all wrong

Finally I’m at my computer, ready to churn out an article about the power crisis in India when I’m told it’s been a week already and therefore “long gone”. Pity, I had a series of cute cartoons I found which I think I’ll post anyway.

It’s been a week and a half since the London 2012 Olympics began, and because we’re so quick on the uptake Chap produced an article listing all the possible things we (and Greece) could do with the 27 million pounds used for the opening ceremony. Now it’s my turn to provide my invaluable thoughts on why Indians don't perform their best at the Olympics.

• Politicians aren’t allowed to participate: Have you seen how fast politicians run when confronted with responsibilities needed to be carried out? Usain Bolt still the fastest man ever? Only because Indian politicians are too caught up in ‘work’ to take the time out every 4 years to jog a 100 meters. Their talent doesn’t stop there- they have the potential to become athletic trainers as well- the amount they make others run around to get things done is formidable. 10k marathons, here we come..
• Cricket isn’t an event, nor is the IITJEE: If there’s anything we’re half decent at, it’s cricket. If there’s anything else we’re decent at, it’s cracking the IITJEE*. Unfortunately, neither are events at the Olympics. Cricket was an event in the 1900 Olympics, with Great Britain winning the gold and France winning the silver. Yes, ‘the’ as in ‘singular’, there was only one match played. Shame India wasn’t independent; we might have stood a fighting chance of winning ‘the’ bronze. Currently there are just about over 100 countries that are members of the ICC (International Cricket Council) with 10 ‘full’ members, 6 ‘affiliate’ members and the rest ‘associate’. However, in the unlikely event that cricket did become an event at the Olympics, chances are that show-offs like China and America will decide they, too, like cricketing and will produce a team as well. If we stand no chance in a sport like gymnastics, which has 38 participating countries, a popular sport like cricket might be a problem. Still, nothing beats years of experience and the odds are still in our favor. They might be more in our favor though if they allowed only IPL** teams to compete, we might stand an even better chance then. 
• We should have produced the opening ceremony, not Danny Boyle: Amongst the few people I do talk to, more people disliked than liked the resplendent opening ceremony (with its even more resplendent budget). Price is no indication of quality (as Ra.One rudely reminded us last year) and we Indians are experts at squeezing the shampoo bottle till it’s empty, and then squeezing it some more “just in case” so that we get every cents’ worth. The Olympic Committee really should have given Bollywood the responsibility of the opening ceremony, if there’s anything we’re miles ahead of in skill it’s entertainment. If all else failed we could just get Karan Johar to entertain the crowd like he so skillfully does on Koffee with Karan and Jhalak Dikhlaa Jaa. Here is a video of him dancing. I love that man.
• Our medal count versus Michael Phelps': WE HAVE MORE MEDALS THAN MICHAEL PHELPS DOES! Indian athletes, take a bow (no, not the archers. Everyone else). What Michael Phelps couldn’t do in 3 Olympics, we’ve done in -oh God, too many numbers***- we’ve done since 1900! We have 23 medals, he has 22. Take that, America!

However, the point of this article wasn’t just to make fun of India at the Olympics (although that was fun too). Out of a population of a billion, rarely do we come across a parent who tells his son “Beta, itna pad mat. Jaakar gymnastics kar, ya archery kar” (Son, don’t study so much. Go do some gymnastics or archery) and I think that’s where we go wrong. If India produced 100 less engineers and a 100 more sportsmen, nobody except those software companies in America would be worse off. Once in a while a movie like Chak De India is produced and everyone gets very excited at the prospects of sports being noticed once again, but then it all dies down and we’re made fun of at the Olympics yet again. If we want medals, we need support. Not just support from our families and friends, but support from the government. No person is going to dedicate hours on end to a sport if they get paid less than what they’d earn if they were working at a call center, that’s too idealistic. In a country so brimming with talent, it’s sad we can’t produce Tendulkars in other sports as well- not because of lack of talent but because of lack of support and investment. I read a tweet the other day- “No Indian may have ever run a 100m in less than 10 seconds, but has any American ever won the 2012 Spelling Bee?” Laughable, but a tad bit true. Our biggest talents do lie in our brains, but that’s probably more because we refuse to look anywhere else. Now, back to watching the Africans claim gold, silver and bronze in every damned race. 

-Lassie

*The incredibly difficult and competitive entrance exam for entrance into IIT, our Harvard equivalent

**Indian Premiere League

***Clearly I’m not cut out for the IITJEE

The Cost of Pride

So after four years the Olympics have returned, on this occasion to one of the most iconic cities in the world. London 2012 has been hyped to a degree previously achieved only by the Tim Henmans (Henmen?) and Andy Murrays of this world (it’s British. Go figure). Prior to the opening ceremony, details were minimal and bitter debates raged over issues such as who would light the flame. Now that the Olympics have begun, however, most of its audience have been suspended in a state of awe. Therefore I believe that a reality check is in order.

First, a harsh truism. Regardless of the sentiments of romantics, the Olympics are just another sporting event. One journalist aptly described them as “the world’s largest sports day”. And since they are a sporting event, they should be treated as such. Extricating outrageous sums of money from the taxpayer merely to fund a bunch of running races seems a bit preposterous. Danny Boyle’s opening ceremony cost £27 million. It included a very brief history lesson, some nurses, music and dancing. None of these have any sort of direct connection with sport. So why waste the cash? Ironic, isn’t it, that the first nation to make an entrance was Greece (oh how they could use £27 million).

In terms of sporting events only one realistically compares with the Olympics – the FIFA World Cup. The pride associated with hosting both these events is similar. When was the last time all national squads marched on to the pitch before the first match? Never. Has a love story ever been re-enacted at a world cup? Not on the pitch, in any case. This is where the Olympic organisers could learn a lesson. Despite both the World Cup and the Olympics being on the same scale, FIFA are generally not likely to splurge on an opening ceremony. Or get the queen to skydive into the stadium.

Second, some facts. Between 2005 and 2011, the British GDP increased by about 7%. In the same period, the USA saw a 20% increase in GDP. India’s GDP doubled. China’s tripled. Possibly sufficient evidence to highlight the UK’s lack of economic growth. Co-incidence or not, 2005 was also the year in which London was chosen as the host city for the 2012 Olympics. £11,000,000,000 (that’s nine zeros) spent on some sporting events is generally not beneficial to a national economy. In 2005, the Labour Government estimated the cost of hosting the Olympics to be £2.4 billion. Spending four and a half times that isn’t a bad start. The Public Accounts Committee estimates that the Olympics will cost a grand total of £11 billion, after all costs are factored in. That is a significant amount considering it comes from the working class.

Enough with the bloated numbers that are beyond comprehension. Consider this instead. At the opening ceremony of London 2012, countries like Tuvalu, Kiribati, Sao Tome, Palau, Micronesia, Tonga, Samoa, St. Kitts et cetera achieved a common unique feat. The annual GDP of each of these countries – that’s how much money EVERYBODY put together makes – is lower than the £478 million that it cost to build the Olympic Stadium. Add the approximate £766 million cost of buying back the stadium and the total cost amounts to £1.244 billion, causing the list of countries that achieve this feat to expand significantly. Lots of other things can be done with £1.244 billion. Half of Africa could be fed. Cancer could be cured. Billions of people could be vaccinated against disease. Minor public debts could be paid off. London could be painted yellow to celebrate Bradley Wiggins’ victory in the Tour de France.

Considering the fact that London has hosted other sporting events before, why build a new stadium in the first place? Crystal Palace may not be particularly glitzy, but since when has track and field been about the glamour? As for the opening and closing ceremonies, Wembley? Lord’s? The Oval? The Emirates? Twickenham? White Hart Lane? There are enough sporting venues in London to host the Olympics without needing a separate arena. And with regards to those who would argue that the stadium is the centrepiece of the Olympics, can I just say its appearance makes it as much of a national icon as Basingstoke. The Beijing Olympic stadium, as a comparable venue, certainly makes a more substantial visual impact, thereby fulfilling the role of a showpiece. This renders the £1.244 billion expenditure rather unnecessary. The wardrobe for that kind of shopping spree would be as large as the Olympic Stadium itself, which would therefore require a further investment. £1.244 billion of storage space to go with £1.244 billion of shopping.

In conclusion then, the Olympics have gone from being a celebration of sport to being one of the best ways to waste public funds. Agreed that a certain level of expenditure is required to organise the games, but if they were organised as what they are – games – and not as a matter of national pride/symbol of power/way to show off, then the economic impact would not be as much and therefore the British public would finally have a reason to rejoice.

-          Chap

Sources:

1.        http://data.worldbank.org/indicator/NY.GDP.MKTP.CD

2.        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Olympic_Stadium_(London)

3.        http://www.guardian.co.uk/stage/2012/jul/31/olympic-2012-opening-ceremony-david-king?newsfeed=true

4.        http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/olympics/9132145/Budget-for-London-2012-Olympics-could-hit-11billion-warns-watchdog.html