for the crazies, by the crazies: "Mitt Romney" (nothing was humorous enough for a catchy title)

TIME Magazine (arguably pro-Democrat) published their last issue with Mitt Romney on their cover page. I decided to jump the bandwagon and also write an article on him seeing that 1) elections are a few months away 2) I needed something humorous to end my writing hiatus. I’m not biased though, don’t get me wrong. I’ll write an article about Obama as well as soon as he does enough shit to get written about (okay arguably he HAS done enough shit but Romney is hands down cringe worthy so here goes nothing)

Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start. When you read you begin with A-B-C, when you sing you begin with do-re-mi, when you read about Romney you begin with don’t-bullshit-me (Come on, who didn’t get that reference?). Romney was born sometime back somewhere and when he was born his father named him Williard Mitt Romney, after a family friend, some guy called J. Williard Marriott (the hotel guy I think?). I also have a family friend but if I was named after him I’d also be naming myself after a certain Nobel Laureate in Economics with the same surname as mine.

Too much of Romney’s Wikipedia page is about Mormons, something I didn’t bother looking up because his page probably mentions it more than the actual Wiki page about Mormonism. Romney wanted to go into business, but his father told him to study for a degree in law instead because it would be more valuable where finding a career was concerned. If he were Mitra Raminder his father would have told him to become an engineer. I can’t tell which is worse.

Irrelevant fun fact to keep you interested in this article: Romney kept his dog on his car’s roof during a long road trip.

Romney and his wife hold a net worth of between $190- $250 million. A company called ‘Bain Capital’ basically propelled Romney to the 1% (Remember the whole WE ARE THE 99%, yeah Romney isn’t in it). Bain Capital might as well have been called Pain Capital- Obama has taken full advantage of Romney’s prominent position at the company and has claimed that he shipped jobs overseas and kept his own millions in Swiss bank accounts.

No article is complete without getting your tidbit directly from the horse’s mouth and in a stroke of innovative brilliance I got mine from Romney’s cute website that proclaims ‘WE CAN CHANGE IT’ with an unnerving resemblance to ‘YES WE CAN’. Of course the first link I click is “Afghanistan & Pakistan”, and I was in awe of the amount of pure bullshit that ran across my screen.

Pakistan should understand that any connection between insurgent forces and Pakistan’s security and intelligence forces must be severed. The United States enjoys significant leverage over both of these nations. We should not be shy about using it.

Wow.. Honesty over diplomacy apparently. Unfortunately not many diplomats actually encourage that, ergo the term. Romney has failed where it matters to me the most- regarding the delicate state that is Pakistan. Disappointing.

Next up, we have gun control, something Chap enjoys debating greatly, after which we have gay rights and “pro-life”, something I don’t mind passing comments on at all (No Uterus, No Opinion).

The Second Amendment is essential to the functioning of our free society.

As governor, he also designated May 7th as “The Right to Bear Arms Day” in Massachusetts to honor law-abiding citizens and their right to “use firearms in defense of their families, persons, and property for all lawful purposes, including common defense.

Yeah man, Social Darwinism, survival of the fittest, etc. etc. I hear you- if someone doesn’t have a gun, what right do they have to be honored? What exactly though, Mr. Romney, is ‘common defense’?

Mitt supports the Hyde Amendment, which broadly bars the use of federal funds for abortions. As president, he will end federal funding for abortion advocates like Planned Parenthood.

Romney and his good-looking Vice Presidential candidate (his looks are his only selling point by the way) recently stated they were for abortion in cases of rape, however. WHO WANTS TO BE THE FIRST TO POINT OUT THE OBVIOUS FLAW? That’s right, I’ll do it, along with a little bit of basic math- catching, charging and prosecuting the rapist can take anything from 10-20 months. Getting raped, pregnant and giving birth can take anything from between 8.9-9.1 months (correct to 2 significant figures).

Yo Romney, just because you have 5 sons and 18 grandchildren and have never used protection in your life doesn’t mean everyone wants to follow your egoistic path and fill the planet with junior versions of themselves. Like I said- no uterus, no opinion.

He will also champion a Federal Marriage Amendment to the Constitution defining marriage as between one man and one woman.

We also want to define the Presidency post as one that cannot be contested for by an asshole. We can’t always get what we want, and with that, here’s something to demonstrate my love for this man-