Shambles abound

Just a few days ago, [insert random synonym of hostile] extremist state North Korea conducted its third underground nuclear test, in yet another brazen and quite ostentatious display of its unquestionably impressive military firepower. The [insert more synonyms] regime also threatened further violence if the United States of America refused to withdraw their hostile opposition to the nation.

To illustrate just what a colossal and utterly shambolic situation this issue has revealed itself to be, some more details will need to be presented. The only international body capable of placing sanctions on Pyongyang is the United Nations Security Council, which is composed of 5 permanent members with full veto rights, one of which is the People’s Republic – North Korea’s greatest ally and largest aid donor. The Security Council cannot afford to rush into deciding to blast North Korea into the stratosphere, or to relocate Pyongyang to Mars, simply because of the phone call that would invariably arrive from Beijing. However, it is not as if China condones the actions of North Korea. In this particular situation, at least, China is like a teacher who catches his favourite student cheating on an exam. The disappointment and anger is somewhat dampened by deep-lying feelings of affection. The resulting situation, in the words of Mr. Ban-ki Moon, is deplorable.

Pyongyang has been the victim of severe verbal chastisement as a result of the nuclear test. Yet, like the plucky little kid who squares up to the bully, North Korea’s diplomats have strongly condemned the Security Council’s almost impulsive urge to place sanctions on the nation. These diplomats also denounced the West’s hostile reception to a successful rocket launch two moths ago. The biggest problem is the fact that the UN believes that North Korea cannot be allowed to grow as a nuclear power simply because it would encourage other states (cough, Iran) to follow the same path, and the developed world is not willing to risk global nuclear war.

So what we have established is

• ·      The USA doesn’t like North Korea
• ·      North Korea doesn’t like the USA
• ·      China is temperamental when it comes to North Korea
• ·      The UN Security Council doesn’t like North Korea
• ·      China needs to be happy
• ·      North Korea is engaged in a secret conspiracy along with Iran to tear down the banners of capitalism, lift the world out of poverty, spread happiness, perpetually isolate the United States and form a new international organization called the Institute of New Financially Independent Developed Excellent Leaders of Society (INFIDELS).

Therefore the obvious problem is that too many people need to be kept happy here. For the impoverished, struggling citizens of North Korea, a nuclear test represents some sort of success for them to be happy about. Conversely, stricter sanctions would only increase public unhappiness and naturally, the administration would welcome this in a manner not dissimilar to how they would welcome George Bush on a retirement holiday. For the redneck population of the rest of the developed world – a social class which has been forced to hate North Korea – nothing would be better than to see an iron curtain around the nation. For people like me, anything other than global nuclear war is fine. World War I began in 1914. I pray on behalf of this generation that World War III doesn’t begin in 2014. I have my board exams. 

-Chap